Killer.

(Insert another apology for the neglect of writing here) Moving on…

 

I’m a killer. Yup, you read it right. Not the I did this intentionally, to hurt you kind of killer but a killer nonetheless. Elaborate you ask?

I’ve been in the LOU for a year and a half now and I just felt it’s time for a change..I went through the initial freakout phase of moving to the Midwest #i’mstillandeastcoastgirl, without having friends, knowing my way around and all that comes with exploring uncharted land #shoutouttoNeilArmstrong. The reality is though, I’m settled now and something was just missing.I realized that I wanted to be more a more “legitimate” 20 something adult. In my mind this means taking care of some kind of living being so I ran through a series of the following thoughts:

I’m getting a dog! Yes! A cuddly little beast that I can take on walks through this pet friendly city! In turn, I will meet other pet lovers and it will be glorious! I will make new pet friends and I’m going to become freakishly fit because my new dog and I are going to go on runs around the arch! Wait, wait, how much does a dog cost? I’m not a bajillionare (yup..bajillionare) I have to buy dog food and take it to the doctor. This would probably interrupt critical social activities like happy hour and yoga. I would also have to clean poop…EEEEEEEEEEEEWW..I’m not afraid to get my hands a little dirty but the inner DIVA will draw the line at poop. I also need beauty sleep and waking up at ungodly hours to take this beast out for a potty break/walk will simply interrupt the DIVA and as a result others will likely fall into the wrath that unleashes after #icareboutyoutoomuchtoletithappen.

Perhaps I will get pregnant? Ya right..totally a joke. Me…preggers…also ewww. Primarily due to my fear of a parasite feeding off of me. I am sure I will feel different when that chapter in my life unfolds but in my 20 something mind..EW YUCK NO WAYYY HOSAAYYY!
Conclusion…PLANTS..YES I can do plants! Easy..buy plant..water it..give it sun..bam..helllooo legitimacy. I am taking care of a living being..yes I can do this! I can! I can! I can!…CAN I?!? I’ve never had a plant that I had to take CARE of.. Minutes later…

I dash out the door, turn on Barcelona and  to head to the nearest Home Depot to get my beloved little beings that I am going to take care of and love and it’s going to be great! My heart is jumping for joy and I drive on 44W. I can’t wait to tell my mom about it…SHIMMY will be so proud. She has SOOO many plants and all hers grow beautifully! As I walk to the flower department I’ve decided that I’m going to grow Orchids. I just love them! Almost as much as I love all things pumpkin..but that is for a later date. I’m greeted by Carol..who by my standards is the GODDESS PLANTS..she loves them as much as I love Pumpkins and I REALLY REALLY love pumpkins. I tell Carol my elaborate story of how I wish to be legitimate yada yada yada and she begins to grace me with her PLANT KNOWLEDGE..Orchids are easy to take care of she says, all you have to do is water them once a week and give them sun and it will be just fine. Brilliant.. I can do once a week! I immediately tell Carol I will take five Orchid plants and all the fixin’s that come with it! I want to make sure these babies are well taken care of… 50 dollars later I’m out of there with my new found hobby.

The first week with my new babes goes by and I’m very careful and attentive. I give them their Orchid food, water with precisely one cup of water, assure that the sun is glistening down on them..all is good in my little solarium.

Fast forward 4 weeks..I’ve kept up with the same routine since week one…only now..my solarium is a graveyard. Yup..All Orchids..DEAD…RIP babes. I don’t know what I did wrong..but I sure feel like a failure..KILLER! Google even told me there was no hope once your stems lost their youthful figure and looked like the equivalent of an aging wrinkly grandma. Eff. How could you fail me CAROL? I thought you were suppose to CARE! I listened to you! I just wanted to take care of something..clearly I failed KILLED..How am I suppose to be a mom someday if I can’t even take care of a plant? Good thing I didn’t get the dog..God knows what his/her fate might have been. It’s going to take a little while to recover from this one I think to myself. I decided to take a break before I try again.

 

Surprise! After telling SHIMMY about my plant enthusiasm she was over joyed. The parental units came to visit after the death of the solarium and sure enough SHIMMY brought me another plant..this time BONSAI..I can do this right? Is it too soon? No I won’t give up, so I go to my trusty man GOOGLE and he provides me with all the BONSAI knowledge I need. This time is going to be different..

BONSAI and I are getting along well..sort of. I’ve been providing him with plenty of sunlight and minimal water and well..he’s half alive and half dead. Some of his leaves are falling off and have gone in the direction of the aging grandma…while others are still hanging somewhat strong and recently I saw there was a NEW leaf growing…perhaps there is hope? I am still very nervous about this..I am after all the PLANT KILLER. I still look at the plant graveyard that I have avoided doing anything with as it is a reminder of my first attack. It’s fine..no one’s mad. As a result, I am going to plant an herb garden in the solarium. NEW BEGINNINGS! This time I’ve recruited my good friend and gardener ERIN…she is going to teach me her ways. The journey begins tomorrow..we are going to go buy seeds. Perhaps rehab with Erin will help..I don’t want to have the title of a plant KILLER anymore..

Chivalry Can’t be Dead?

Last night I was invited to a fabulous party with a bunch of local “big Whigs”, as the roommate would say. I was very excited, predominantly because it was and “adult” party. You’re dirty, I bet you are thinking something of the pornographic nature, however, by “adult” I mean over the 20 something age bracket…

The party was filled with doctors, lawyers and politicians of the sort. I was having a great time. The food was great, the ambiance.. phenomenal, and it gave me the opportunity to practice striking up conversations with total strangers, until….

I met “Leaf” (yes, the actual name is Leaf) and his sidekick Eric. Go figure, Lief Ericson ” was the first European to land in North America” and these fools managed to find each other and land in my social area.

To provide a little background..

Leif Ericson and his crew (as they were exploring North America) left Markland and again found land, which they named Vinland. They landed and built a small settlement which they called Leifsbúdir, meaning Leif’s storage houses, suggesting the settlement was temporary. They found the area pleasant as there were wild grapes and plenty of salmon in the river. The climate was mild, with little frost in the winter and green grass year-round. They remained in the region over the winter and returned to Greenland in spring carrying a cargo of timber.

On the return voyage, Leif rescued an Icelandic castaway named Þórir and his crew – an incident that earned Leif the nickname Leif the Lucky (Old Norse: Leifr hinn heppni) because he got to keep Þórir’s cargo. ( Thank you)

I was not so lucky to have an encounter with Leaf and sidekick Eric…

Anyways, as I digress..Leaf is skinny, small, and has a squirmy voice. He seemed very laid back, until his opening line of, ” You look like a hot mess.”  At first, I wasn’t really sure how to react to that, on account that I felt very put together and was simply keeping to myself, chatting with Dwy. My response to Leaf, “I’m not sure if that is an insult of compliment, but if it’s an insult your name is Leaf so I wouldn’t talk much.”  In an attempt to save himself, he proceeded to mention that his brothers name is “Forest” (talk about the endless running jokes there). I was waiting for him to tell me that his last name was “woods.” At any rate, as I was digesting the situation at hand, sidekick Eric decided to jump in to what was a catastrophic conversation and proceeded to tell me that I look like an equestrian.

Apparently these men, did not do well in etiquette 101. First off, to tell someone you just met that they look like a “hot mess” is rude. Secondly, you simply look like a fool by using that as your opening line. Lastly, there is no chance of salvaging the conversation after that statement. Same goes for equestrian. Gentlemen, if your goal was to look like a fool you succeeded.

I suggest next time you come up to a woman and strike up a conversation, you go with the standard “hello my name is.”  Stop trying to woo us by pick up lines, or whatever the scenario I experienced was. We will decide within the first five minutes if we like you or not. Give yourself a fighting chance remember these codes of chivalry…

• Respect women
• EXHIBIT MANNERS
• Be respectful of host, women and honor
• Exhibit Self Control
• Be POLITE and attentive

This post also goes out the the rude gentleman that said, ” Who brought the Kardashian’s to the party?” as he approached the bar. Chivalry is not dead. Is it?

 

Xoxo